The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved

This book written by a psychotherapist and counsellor who has worked with couples will be of interest to anyone interested in relationships. It is also well written with an good narrative flow. At the beginning of the book Esther Peel looks at the conventional wisdom on partnerships and marriages and fidelity in them. She points out that in Western society there are strong views that partners in these are expected to stay loyal to each other, with out straying elsewhere for intimacy and sex. She does not appear to have problems with this per se, but points out there are many divergences form this path. It is human nature to transgress boundaries, even if this is painful. What follows are a large number of accounts of cases she has encountered. This includes infidelity in conventional marriages, both homo- and hetro- sexual partnerships, open relationships (where issues of infidelity can crop up despite there being a permission to find additional partnerships) as well as ones that insist on monogamy. She looks also at issues of betrayal, the pain of discovery of an affair, how some affairs may save people from bad partnerships and also how that affairs may sometimes (paradoxically?) even save and strengthen relationships. Perel also looks at the various kind of people involved, apparently settled people, those who prefer to have affairs rather than stay in a single one. All in all the range of people discussed here is wide. Perel's aim is not to discredit monogamy, but to suggest what is needed is a little more space for people in their situations to work through. At one point in the narrative she ponders on the general state of knowledge around human sexuality. As she states it is limited. This book contributes to expanding that space a little more. An enlightening read.

Esther Perel’s voice regarding loving relationships is vital for our times. She speaks with the wisdom of someone who has a depth of understanding and kindness that few (if any) can match. This book affirmed many conclusions I had reached on my own about love and commitment over a very painful period. Esther’s writing is pertinent and very engaging. Had I read her book in advance, I might have had the armoury, the understanding and the confidence to ‘stray from the script’ and find happiness much sooner. Highly recommended reading.

An interesting book, full of wisdom and guidance about relationships and how marriages can go wrong. I don't feel like I gained a huge amount of new knowledge from reading this book, but a few things I picked up along the way certainly clarified my thinking - or supported what I had previously thought, but wasn't sure was the right way to look at a certain phenomenon.

Extremely helpful ideas and strategies for dealing with a delicate and painful subject. The book is a fascinating read, very thorough, non-judgmental, compassionate and kind. The author's reflections and suggestions are based on her work with the thousands of couples she has helped, research based evidence, and views of her professional colleagues in the same field. The timing of the publication was perfect for me - it was a lifesaver.

Really good book by a specialist in the field!

The State of Affairs is a profoundly intelligent and eloquent book. Esther Perel analyses the complex issues of monogamous marriage and the heartbreak of widespread infidelity. She lays bare the raw agony of couples’ sexual and emotional betrayal with tender empathy and compassion. Perel is not moralistic or prescriptive. She is a curious explorer in the tangled mess of human relationships and gives us a refreshingly original voice in the cluttered field of marriage experts. She invites the reader into a mature, adult dialogue about all points of the love triangle rather than dictating parental rules for “affair-proofing” marriage and repairing damage when protective measures fail and partners stray into explosive minefields. Perel’s writing is spiced with rich and colourful turns of phrase and metaphors. She is a talented writer, incisive thinker and skilful psychotherapist, gifting the reader with a culmination of her decades of courageous experience in the trenches, supported the casualties of marital treachery, gently and creatively guiding them through shock and crisis to soul-searching and meaning-making and ultimately repair and renewal. This is a powerful and provocative book that challenges and expands society’s thinking about poignant matters of the heart.

Esther explained in a parallel view of infidelity. Many people thinks this as a curse or once cheated you are done for life. But from her experience she explains the both sides and try to reconnect the missing dots. It helped me to stay in track. I would 100 recommend this book to any couple who is going through a rough time. The partner can also benefit from the book to see how and why they did it.

This book is excellent, looking at a widespread phenomenon openly and fairly, accepting that many people involved in affairs have their own opinions, reasons and motivations. She doesn't underplay the heartache or risks, but looks honestly at how these situations occur - the overt and unconscious motivations, and the different reactions and possibilities once the affair has been discovered. She looks at the current American habit of turning to divorce far more readily than happened in the past or happens in certain other cultural situations, tries to offer a range of options, and recognises that the individual people involved make each situation unique, although certain patterns recur. She recognises the input of religion, family, nation and personal moral judgments.

Esther Perel is immensely intelligent and well articulated. This isn't just a book for those who have been cheated on, or who cheated. It's a book for anyone who wants to understand human relationships better.

Bonito diseño

If you have heard Esther Perel’s talks then probably one can skip buying this book if you haven’t then it’s worth buying to understand many things about relationships

Livro muito bem escrito, delicado, inteligente. Recomendo!

Excellent book, easy to read, interesting, different point of view on affairs, good quality