Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day

This is the best book I ever read about the subject. I have read many books about assertiveness, however, this is the first book that explains what are personal boundaries (financial, physical, psychological etc.) and why you need to defend them ... your boundaries, not yourself. The author gives clear and realistic examples of boundary violations as they occur in daily life and gives the reader quiz questions about these examples. This helped me a lot in recognizing boundary violations - something other books about assertiveness did not. The book is particularly usefull for codepent people, people who grew up with narcistic parents and/or are with narcistic partners. That is because constant boundary violation is the earmark of the narcissist and the person who suffers/ed from this all his/her life long, has unlearned or never learned to defend against boundary violations, let alone recognize when a boundary violation takes place. When you are such a person, this book will open your eyes and wake you up. It will help you repair a fundamental flaw in your social skills set that was created by the narcissist(s) in your life. I recommend to read this book together with The Wizard of Oz, in my opinion the best book about how to deal with the narcissist(s) in your life.

This is an excellent practical resource on how to set boundaries. I’d recommend starting with _Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin_ to set the stage for what boundaries are and why you want/need them. For many people, this comes naturally as you grow up. If you come from a family with codependent / narcissistic / abusive traits, this can seem like a foreign concept. I got this book for someone close to me, but I also read it myself. It was a huge eye-opener for my friend, and it helped me know how to best support them as they start to enforce boundaries with the toxic people in their life. I highly recommend both this and her original Boundaries book. Basically, setting boundaries is communicating to others how you want to be treated. Enforcing those boundaries can sometimes be uncomfortable, as you do have stand up to someone who isn’t respecting you. This book helps you understand how to approach setting and enforcing boundaries, particularly with unhealthy people who would rather exert control over you. There is no religious component to the books, other than addressing what appropriate boundaries should be with people in positions of power, like clergy. This was a positive thing for me, although there are religious based books on boundaries if that’s your preference.

This is a very comprehensive book on setting and keeping healthy boundaries and handling boundary infringements successfully. There are many real life examples and conversations used to show how the boundaries are trespassed, and a retake on them to demonstrate how the issue could and should have been handled. There are many practical items of advice that you can take and apply to your life to keep and restore your boundaries. You will find yourself (or people you relate to) reflected in many of the behaviours described in the book, too. The first 11 chapters are the ones with more detailed information and more insight on boundaries. I especially liked the chapter about anger management and friends. The second part of the book focus more on daily life aspects of human relationships, and, except for some chapters (like sexual, Internet, therapist boundaries), I would consider most of the issues discussed there an etiquette or tact issue more than a proper boundary issue. The book is very easy to read, easy to understand, very didactic, and very well structured, and you can make it a manual to check different issues at different times. The main downside of the book is the fact that trifle matters like vacations or gifts are discussed with family rape and domestic violence. Those things should never be put together. Never ever. The same applies to the gender issues discussed here. I agree with all it is said about gender, but a book on boundaries is not, from my point of view, the place to discuss gender bias.

This is a great book if you are struggling with understanding and defining boundaries. I really loved Anne's perspective and her thought process. Some of what she talks about is what I have learned through painful trial and error. So, if your boundaries feel fuzzy, this is a great book to get. I learned several new things and a clearer way of thinking about boundaries. For example: Anne talks about how it is the person with the lesser involvement who will define what sort of a relationship it is. This is true for all relationships. For example: If you have a friend who doesn't want a close friend but wants to keep you in their outer circle while you treat them as part of the inner circle, your friendship will remain a casual one. And this goes for romantic relationships and all other relationships. I had never quite thought about this so clearly. While we define our boundaries, we also need to be able to see other people's boundaries so we are clear and can create the relationships we want. This is just one example of something I learned from this book. This is a book that talks with clarity about this really important struggle in many of our lives. Highly recommend!

On page 187, in the Gender Boundaries section, she writes "The more aware we can be and the further we can expand our perspective, the better our chances for noticing when we are being treated by a man or a woman with an attitude --that females are less than males." I noticed that the cover of this very book shows a woman in an inferior position relative to a man. He is positioned as direct and confident, while the she is represented as being in a frustrated state of self-doubt. The cover was designed by William P. Ruoto.

Recommended by my therapist to improve the quality of my relationships in all areas of my life. Fantastic!! Life changing. I no longer need to be either a doormat or a bully. Having appropriate boundaries means I no longer have to fear that I will ignorantly hurt others or allow myself to be hurt by others. The author provides examples that give insight into what is appropriate and what is inappropriate which explains the sometimes mysterious and baffling behavior and reactions of myself and others. She gives step by step directions on how to recognize, set, maintain, and repair boundaries WHEN they are broken in easy-to-follow practical terms. Employing these new strategies gives me hope for more genuine and fulfilling relationships with everyone from my mother, to my spouse, to my children, to my boss. Thank you!

I am halfway through the book and I am learning so much about boundary violations, communication styles and how to set healthy boundaries. This was a tough topic for me as I did not learn much of this growing up and as a result my relationships have suffered. I can better see how I have been a boundary violator and a poor boundary setter. I enjoy the realistic examples with detailed explanations that breakdown what is occurring in the communication. This book is very user friendly and set in a conversational tone. No need to have a degree to grasp the concepts here. It reminds me of the accessibility and fun of Brene Brown's books. Highly recommended!

We all have challenges dealing with boundaries, and often have boundaries that are excellent in some areas, weak in others. I might be great at setting boundaries with my friends, yet struggle to do it with my boss or lover. This book delineates the difference between defense and a boundary, and best of all, gives practical scenarios and examples of what bad boundaries, look like in action, and how an unhappy situation might play out if good boundaries were used instead. I only had a few quibbles with this book, and for a book published 15 years ago, it is remarkably broad, and still easy to read. 1) While the bulk of the book does not take an overly religious slant, by the dedication and the contents of the chapter on Spiritual Boundaries, it is evident that the author holds belief in a singular, male deity referred to as God or The Lord, and seems to presume that so does everyone else, which may be triggering or non-applicable to some readers. 2) I also felt that parental boundary violations could have been emphasized more strongly, the so-called "helicopter parents" who do everything for their children even after they reach the legal age of adulthood. 3) And while clutter was briefly touched upon, the boundary violation that is the mental illness of hoarding, could also have used some expansion. But at least I now know how to turn down Aunt Mabel's candied sweet potatoes, in a loving yet firm way. And I love the early emphasis on time boundaries, on not squandering our time by giving it away to anyone who asks for it. This book is an excellent resource and I highly recommend it for everyone.