Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover and Move On

As my relationship with my narcissist boyfriend progressed I grew more and more confused and distressed. It got bad enough that I broke it off a few months ago, but without a clear understanding of what was going on. After undergoing therapy and reading many books on narcissism I thought that there was an extremely high chance that I had been involved with a narcissist. However, much pain, confusion, and lingering doubts remained, in part because I was the one to break up the relationship, which does seem to be unusual in these situations from what I have now read. One of the issues that continued to bother me a great deal even after the breakup was the way he lied to me and everybody else. There were times when he was quite transparent and when I did call him up on it, and sometimes he even admitted that he had lied. However, there were other much more confusing situations when he had very convenient memory gaps, or false memories of events that were recollected in a way that differed so wildly from my own recollections that the discrepancy could not be accounted for as mere subjectivity. He was so amazingly sincere when confused about events he simply did not remember, so incredibly convinced that his wild version of events was true that I even wondered at times whether he had some form of brain damage. And now, even though I have read over and over that narcissists lie, I still cannot bring myself to calling this behaviour lying because the intent to lie was just not there; so I still think of this behaviour as telling untruths rather than lying. I also had the sense during some of his wild rages that he was dissociating because his face looked so incredibly different and he never quite remembered what had happened afterwards. This was pretty scary in addition to the anger itself.Anyway, back to this book: there are many other very good helpful books that describe the behaviours of narcissists, speculate about possible causes in fairly convincing ways, discuss co-dependency, make suggestions on how to behave, but what I was missing until I read this book is an explanation of how narcissists perceive reality, themselves, and others, i.e. an inside look into their heads that would bring some coherence to their behaviour. Other books do explain that narcissism is an egosyntonic disorder resulting in behaviour that the narcissists experiences as completely coherent even though others don't. This book goes beyond that by starting to describe what is inside a narcissist's mind as he experiences life. This is towards the end of the book, which is fine because the book is very good at priming the reader for this explanation.This explanation had an amazing effect on me. First of all it made me see why I felt dumped by him even though I was the one who initiated and sustained the break-up. Also, it tied together a whole bunch of his behaviours, both good and bad, that I had not connected until then. Finally, and very importantly, it made me understand why it is so difficult for narcissists to change: i.e. the ego-syntonic behaviour is explained in layman's terms. What I found particularly difficult in my situation is that my narcissist is self-aware up to a point: he knows that something is not quite right and that he is not at ease in the world, and he sincerely wants to change. He has undergone many years of therapy and was completely open to couples therapy, immediately finding an excellent therapist for us, attending all the sessions with me, and begging me to continue attending with him after I had decided that I could not bear it any more. Throughout our relationship and during the therapy he was actually learning to behave better. But not enough; and reading the explanation in this book finally made me realize the futility of my own participation in his therapy/personal growth/healing: it makes me sad to say this, but I don't think anymore that he was learning anything fundamental; I think that he was just trying to adapt himself to me as he has been adapting himself to other people all his life. I think now that if we had continued, he would inevitably have been incredibly frustrated by my "unreasonable demands" and this would have eventually backfired on me, possibly in worse ways than what I have experienced so far.Here are my criticisms of the book:- I would have liked a more elaborate view of the world inside the narcissists' mind. As I have just explained, the glimpse provided in this book was extremely useful to me, and just for that the book gets my 5 stars.- As mentioned by other reviewers, I would have liked more suggestions on how to move forward after the break-up. The "no-contact" rule seems somewhat sensible, but I like to have rules thoroughly explained to me before I choose to adhere to them, particularly in the case of black and white rules such as this one. I find this rule badly adapted to the readership of this book, which I suspect consists of people like me who have fallen into narcissistic traps in part because we think in nuanced ways and can experience doubt.

I truly enjoyed this book. I recommended it to one of my customers who stated her husband was also narcissitic. It addressed all of my questions about narcissist where I no longer had to wonder. I am now sure after reading this book my assumptions were right on target. I will re-read it again when the book is returned to me from my customer. A lot of the situation given in the book was what happen in my situation. He is gone, he left me. I have been told he will be back, although I am not to sure, although I have heard from him since the break up. What bothered me the most he would criticize me or verbally attack me not by cursing or yelling, but putting me down. He is a hurt person and I realize he wanted to hurt me because of his issues. I knew or know it wasn't me. I didn't do anything wrong. This book did not focus on codependence which I was glad about. Some of the other books I read focus on that. I have a problem with the idea that you have to be codependent to get involve with such a person. I strongly disagree. You don't know the person is narcissistic or have the traits until you get closer to them. All the good things that happen between us and the feelings we felt he took them all back and said he didn't feel them, even when he told me he did. I thought that was odd because he gave me this info without me asking for it. I gave him a nice birthday present for his birthday and he told me it was too much. Everytime we had a good time, he would sabotage it an make it negative. His thinking was so distorted it was extremely confusing for me. He mispreceived all of the good things I did for him. He is also a divorcee and I thought he was just scared because he was hurt from previous relationships, but he talked about his self and body excessively. He would get mad at me for petty things and I wouldn't even know why until he would act out or act mad and I didn't even know why. It was crazy. I know it wasn't me. He even told me he had issues. He also knows he has narcissistic traits. He ask me not to say that because it would hurt his feelings. So from that I know on some level he knew he has been told or know he has narcissistic personality disorder. I still care a great deal for him, but I have remained in the no contact zone. Even though he has been to my house and left a gift and tried to connect with me online, I have not responded. The book and all the information I have read has help me greatly to figure out what happen with this person. He difintely has the Dr. Jerkyl, Mr. Hyde thing going on. But he hides behind technology. In person he never acts bad always on his best behavior. Presents him self as something he is not. He is a broke man but trys to act like he is all that.

Clair, intéressant.

One of the best book on the subject because it addresses coo-dependency from both perspectives : the Narcissist and the 'Narcissized'. I am very grateful for the authors for addressing other issues regarding society and expectations of modern women (who now hold down responsible jobs yet they are still expected to cater for the whole family and never question their 'duty' to serve their husband and why would men challenge this traditional convenient arrangement !? ).This book is eloquently written without being too academic but intellectual enough for those who are already familiar with this subject.I am also grateful for those 'sample letters' that you write to the Narcissist -but you never send them as he/she has no emotional intelligence to comprehend the contents (be it your parent or your former partner). You do this as you are feeling enlightened and empowered to move on and you use this as closure - as you would never get one from an N! ["...Because I have realized that you are at mercy of this disorder, I no longer need you (or anyone else) to validate me; ..."]Many people find the 'No Contact' rule hard to practice. This book will explain and justify why you should not give in - you know the drill: " first they put you on the pedestal, thereafter they start devaluing you and finally : they discard you and move on ... so : Idolize - devalue -discard ... and if you take them back the same repetitive cyclic pattern will follow ... You will find out why they manipulate you this way - it is quite mind-bending read and at times it is a lot to take in but you will get used to the mindset of an N: " ...It doesn't really bother me that I disturbed your sleep ...after all you are here to cater for me and make me feel better...besides, you are doing me a service by listening to me and encouraging me. It is time well spent. If I need you, I will grace you with another phone call sometime tomorrow ...when it is convenient for me. Get some sleep...or don't. It doesn't really matter to me as long as you are available at my back and call. I don't love you because I don't know how to love anyone. I don't even love myself. I only love my disorder. Good night ."Of course that's not how they put it for you : "I am sorry Babe. I am fading fast. I really need to get some sleep before I deal with those idiots at work tomorrow. I will call you tomorrow. Get some sleep. I love you. Goodnight." ... (Now you make your mind up ...)

This book is definitely what I was looking for. The information was great. The only thing I had a problem with was how the author switched back and forth from he to she being the narcissist from paragraph to paragraph. It was a little confusing. It may have been better if it was stated at the beginning that narcissists can be male or female but while writing the book stayed with one gender. I was sometimes not sure if he or she was the narcissistic or non narcissist spouse and had to reread paragraphs. Other than that, great book!

Fast sending. Very good to read. Informative. Fluid reading.Good to carry around everywhere as an ebook. I like it.

Fantastic book practical and written in laymans terms.I felt I really understood what I am dealing with.