Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

This book was like a having a life preserver thrown to me while I was drowning out in the sea!! I always felt like I needed to be the caretaker to everyone and never said no to anyone in my world in order to avoid anyone getting upset. The end result was a life of upset for myself!! I didn't know how to do anything different, or expect anything from anyone else, because my habits were so ingrained. The way this book outlines exactly what you need to do made it clear to me that it is ok, even healthy, to set boundaries with people. And when I applied these skills, I found myself more at peace, relaxed, confident, and free since I was now being true to myself. And it's made others around me step up and take ownership of their own responsibilities and actually believe me when I say no, now. It's like a huge burden gets lifted when you start taking care of yourself and not giving in to things that don't feel right to you. It's a new way of living that reshapes your behaviors, that ultimately trickle down to others around you. It's been effective when dealing with my spouse, mom, friends, child, volunteer leaders at church, and coworkers. An excellent read that will change your life for the better if you apply the skills!! As long as you stick with it. At first, other people around you won't be use to you setting boundaries so things almost seem to get worse with some for awhile that are use to getting their way, but stay assertive and confident in your stance, and keep doing the same thing, and eventually they get it, know you're serious, and eventually, some mutual respect comes right along with it! It's worth it to follow through and adhere to the authors advice!! It's a journey worth taking!

I think this book is incredible. I highly recommend it for any Christian--the book is from a Christian perspective, so there are references to the Bible, but I think the principles can apply to non-Christians. The basic idea of the book is learning to take responsible for yourself and to stop taking responsibility for other people. One of the biggest things I appreciated about the book was that it gave me the tools to say "no" to people (the book strongly emphasizes that we ought not to do things out of guilt or fear--which is not something we often hear in the church or elsewhere really where telling someone "no" is seen as a bad or uncompassionate thing to do). This book has improved the way I approach my marriage, job, church... I wish I read it 10 years ago! There were so many things I did in my life that I felt I was being pushed into doing when I didn't even realize I had the power to say, "no, I don't want to do that." In the end I would resent the person for asking me to do things, but really I didn't have to go along with what I was asked to do just because I was asked! Anyway... I might sound like I'm rambling, but if you're a people pleaser, or a yes man, and don't like that about yourself but don't know what to do other than be at the whim of whatever anybody asks of you, then this book is great and gives you the tools to change. You will be glad you read it!

This book has been absolutely life changing for me! This is one of THE best books I have read! If you don't think, that you are struggling with boundary problems in your life... read it! This book is not only an eye opener, but at the same time educational and will help you re-examine and detect areas of your life, where you have to learn how say YES and NO. Entire book is based on bible verses and helped me to see my boundary problems, from a christian / godly prospective. I can truly say that, I became a more confidant person with setting limits and not feeling guilty about saying no. I have learned, when it is ok to say yes and feel good about my decision. But the journey does not stop here. There is still lots of work to be done. But now I know, how to do it and what to do. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have several friends, who will be receiving a very special Christmas gift from me this year. I pray that it will change their life, as it has changed mine!

This is such a concise review of the basics of boundaries in our lives. It's an essential read for everyone who wants to have the healthiest relationships possible in every area of life. And for the spouse of someone who has one or more areas where boundaries are damaged or non-existent, it can be a great tool for back-up to the learning that the boundary-less person is going through. While there were a few places I felt the examples provided were somewhat cut-and-dried academic examples (where everything worked out perfectly when the people in the illustration applied good boundary principles), the bottom line is that this book is an excellent road map to healthy boundaries everywhere. I suspect it will be one that I refer back to frequently, as the behavior changes required will take time (and frequent referencing) to really take root in my life. If you need tangible examples of principles in action...maybe the rest of the series, or a specific boundary book, is for you...otherwise, I submit that this is all you need, but you need to read it, and re-read it, and keep it handy for ready and frequent reference.

I'm a spiritual, not really religious person and I'm not into bible study. Honestly, the bible is not one of my most inspiring spiritual texts to be honest as a Christian. I was hesitant for that reason about this book, hoping it wouldn't be preachy or judgmental. Instead, what I discovered was a wonderful use of biblical verses that is very lightly woven into the stories about why it's important to set strong boundaries, and why God wants us to stop being martyrs and make choices that support our happiness and well-being. This is such a refreshing approach to using the bible as helpful inspiration to apply to real life situations, similar to Joel Osteen. The authors are very down-to-earth, real, honest and direct about the issue of weak boundaries, identifying them, and explaining how to implement them. I bought another book called Energetic Boundaries in the past that was more focused on metaphysical aspects of boundaries. That was helpful, too, but this book blows it out of the water with it's grounded approach and strong tone encouraging the reader to take charge of their life and stop being a doormat. So many spiritual, Christian people tend to be taken advantage of or get burnt out always tending to everyone else's needs, and this book gives permission to stop that unhealthy cycle so you could feel peaceful and take better care of yourself instead of feeling guilty like you owe everyone else your time and energy in order to be a "good" person. I sent this book to my best friend, and we've been reading it together and agreed to be each other's boundary buddies when those pushers come along our path, which they often have! I highly recommend this book for anyone who enjoys the spiritual connection and psychological awareness that makes for a holistic approach to changing unhealthy habits. I also purchased Doreen Virtue's Assertiveness for Earth Angels but it's not as in depth as this book, and has a more gentle, soft approach that hasn't drawn me in strong enough, where this Boundaries book feels highly motivating to me. Doreen's book has been sitting on my shelf for a year and I've breezed through it not feeling compelled to get into it yet. The first day I opened this Boundaries book, I read 50 pages on the spot, highlighter in hand.

As a Christian, I've struggled with how to maintain my own boundaries with people who are under-responsible. So many people are looking for a bleeding heart, over-responsible person like me to use, but it's been important to me to realize that I am at fault for letting much of it happen. I reviewed my words to these people and I found myself not being honest with how much they inconvenience me, if at all. I stopped lying to some people and telling them that it's 'great' to see them, or it's 'no problem' when it's not. I was raised to be compliant and avoid conflict by well-meaning godly parents. I struggle when unhealthy people put me down and don't feel like I should spend time with these kinds of people. I noticed that they often do it to try and steer me toward doing something for them. My biggest problem is that I do stuff for other people and resent it big time. Then, my family never hears the end of how frustrated I am. Part of me deep inside just knows when I have allowed myself into being manipulated and resents it. Thanks to this book that gives a lot of food for thought, I am able to separate my ministry works from my friendships. True friends don't go off the deep end when you don't comply and say 'no' sometimes. I feel fulfilled and non-resentful when I choose my own ministry projects, as I am led in my heart by God; not having them forced on me. Every person has to figure out how much they are capable of and set limits. I have taken steps to invest more in friendships where we enjoy and respect each other's differences. I don't want to be the enabling source of someone to keep them wallowing in immaturity. Now, I hope my biggest issue is that I've got to find other things to talk about than how one or two peripheral friends behaved to me. My family and close friends deserve better. Edit - Oct 2014 - It has been a great year! Less resentment, more enjoyable relationships, and lots of steps in the right direction. I've been able to sort through my priorities better in how to deal with people. I've been able to dodge those who want to impose on my boundaries and enjoy healthy boundaries with true friends. The boundary busters get mad when they don't get their way, and I fight feeling bad about it sometimes because I have been over-empathetic to manipulative people for years. You don't get better overnight, but with each interaction, you have a chance to make things go well. I used to not give a clear no, and it often prolonged the process with intrusive people. I simply refuse to deal with people who don't take no for an answer. It has not been a problem to ignore over-the-top texts, fb messages and emails. I find that these people just move on to the next person on their 'list' anyway. I am working with people I love and trust. My energy is endless because I am doing the ministry that I am supposed to be doing, instead of feeling responsible for areas that I am not suited for. It is freeing like never before. Thank God for this valuable, Biblical insight into relationships!

If you have ever had a one sided relationship with a loved one where they have boundaries of their own but you have never set up boundaries for yourself with them, then you will eventually experience the dire need to set up your own boundaries and know why and how to do just that. I think that this is an amazing book to understand why everyone should have boundaries of some kind in their relationships. I now understand why just being a loving and good person is not the foundation of a good and balanced relationship but is actually the finished part of it. After reading the book, twice, I believe that if a relationship has boundaries on both sides, as a foundation, then the outcome of that relationship will give way to a loving and deep friendship or love relationship and it will foster self respect and respect for others. We all go hay wire in how we deal with our daily lives with others and how we treat them in what we consider good or bad but I now understand that we must not let that be the influence of how we treat others. This book sounds like common sense but is actually more than just that. I love how every chapter, I was able to see a little of me in it and how I could get more from my life and my relationships by being up front in a loving way and knowing that God didn't make us all just door mats. Christ doesn't give us anything and everything we want but instead he gives us what he knows we need and what he is willing to give us to build our relationship up with him into one of thankfulness, trust, love and his Grace. I now understand that we are practicing this now so that we can have a closer relationship with Him through eternity. I believe this book is a gift to anyone that reads it. I also read his book "Boundaries with Kids" and highly recommend it to everyone. I don't think it is just for young parents with growing children or a growing family. I actually read it first and through it wanted to read this book "Boundaries" So many books that try to help us overcome relationships in our lives, stress the good the bad and the ugly. These books written by Cloud and Townsend stress the Golden Rule and it really encompasses loving ourselves through having boundaries before we can love others. The "Kids" book would make the most wonderful gift to a young couple with a new baby. I wish I had read this book when our children were growing up.

This is a really good book for understanding different ways that you are not setting the right boundaries in your life. There are many examples of real life situations to identify with and ways they began to change the way the looked at their situations and how things changed. It has been a real help for me to examine my own life. I read it with a highlighter and pen in hand so I could make notes as I went and I could look back at the things I found especially useful. I have re-read it and find it very helpful. The only thing that I think is missing is a few more ways to really implement the changes they suggest - or more directed ways or suggestions. You can figure it out, but I would like some real direct suggestions. All in all a really good book that gets you thinking and changing while retaining a Christian perspective.